


i wish that i was looking into your eyes

by princessmiakitten



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: :), M/M, i am an angsty meme, sorry its so short i am a mess :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 08:21:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4698956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmiakitten/pseuds/princessmiakitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why would it matter that he can still remember the taste of Issei’s lips when he kissed other people, even with the taste of liquor strong on his tongue?</p><p>His life had become even more a mess, but as long as he looked fine, as long as he put on the charade of being okay all the time, it should be okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i wish that i was looking into your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry (not sorry)

It’s the numbness that comes into effect as soon as it happens.

“Shigeru…” Issei sighs and Shigeru knows what he’s going to say, from the sad look in the elder’s eyes, the way they looked over Shigeru’s face to gauge his reaction.

It’s coming.

It’s coming and Shigeru can’t even say that he wasn’t expecting it because who would want him? Why would anyone want him?

Shigeru is a mess of a person– no one in their right mind would want to get tangled in that.

“Shigeru, I think…we should break up.” And there it is.

Those words that should’ve made him break down crying, that should’ve made him hate Issei with every fiber of his being.

Shigeru didn’t cry.

He didn’t hate Issei.

Shigeru doesn’t cry, but does the exact opposite. He smiles wide, eyes sparkling and face just bright as he laughs and wraps his arms around Issei’s torso.

He isn’t angry. He isn’t upset. He’s just numb, emotionless on the inside.

He can’t let Issei know.

“That’s fine, Issei-chan. If you think it’s best that we’re not together like that, then that’s fine! Whatever you’re comfortable with, you know?”

It’s not fine. It’s not fine at all.

It’s not fine that he’s giving up the only person that he’s ever wanted, the only person that knew his heart, the only one that he could really speak to about things and open himself up to. The only person who mattered.

And Shigeru probably deserves this.

Why should he have someone as good as Matsukawa Issei? Someone as beautiful and perfect and kind as Issei deserved someone…

not…

Shigeru.

Someone that wasn’t fucked up, someone that had their life in order, someone that didn’t have so much fucking baggage to love Issei properly.

He slowly unwraps his arms from around the male’s torso– and he almost barely stops himself from thinking about how this might be last time he really gets to touch Issei.

Issei smiles back and Shigeru can barely breathe.

His heart thumps painfully in his chest.

He keeps the smile in place.

“I guess this is it. So I’ll see you around!”

Shigeru’s the first one to leave. He doesn’t know how long he’d be able to keep up the act if he had to watch Issei’s back turn to him.

When he gets home, he immediately puts his baby grand piano on sale. He wouldn’t be needing it anymore.

What he does need, though, is a drink, and probably some weed to get this feeling out of his bones, this heavy, dead feeling. It’s been months since he’s even touched anything, but he figures  this is an emergency.

It’s still an emergency a year later, when he finds himself in the same gym as the person he loved most and the person Issei loved most.

On the outside, Shigeru hadn’t changed. He still had his bubbly personality, his snark, his flirtatiousness that made people just think he was confident. On the outside, Shigeru looks fine– he looks like he’s happy, going along with a life he didn’t want.

He’ll never want.

He’ll never be happy with.

But as long as he looks like it on the outside, why did it matter what was on the inside?

Why would it matter that he slept with a different person every night just to get rid of the empty feeling inside of his body? Why would it matter if he spent his nights too intoxicated to even remember things in the morning?

Why would it matter that he can still remember the taste of Issei’s lips when he kissed other people, even with the taste of liquor strong on his tongue?

His life had become even more a mess, but as long as he looked fine, as long as he put on the charade of being okay all the time, it should be okay.

It doesn’t get easier for him.

He’s a shell of a man.

College flies by without much incident. He doesn’t get attached and he is able to drop his connections fairly quickly.

With his hard earned degree, he soon inherits his family’s company– and at this point he can’t even think of how much he doesn’t want this, has never wanted this life.

He has no ambition, though.

He gave everything up, anyway.

Shigeru has an image to maintain, though, of a charismatic person that seems to be so happy-go-lucky, and that’s what keeps him from giving everything up, from just throwing in the towel right then and there as soon as he’s announced the CEO for the company.

He throws himself into his work.

He has no time for other people, for people that will just leave him and abandon him again. He’s even more unwanted now, his heart ice cold and impenetrable.

Shigeru gets married in the summer after his 27th birthday.

It’s not a love marriage, not by a long shot. It’s to secure a partnership between his company and another’s. No feelings, nothing personal.

The first person invited is Matsukawa Issei by Kentarou, his best man and the only person to watch Shigeru cry.

And naturally, Issei brings his boyfriend, Hanamaki Takahiro, as a date. The same Hanamaki Takahiro that he had lost to all those years ago because Issei would never love Shigeru as long as Takahiro existed.

He would always be second best.

He would never be good enough.

And that’s just it, isn’t it? He was never good enough for anyone. Not his parents, not Issei, not for himself. He would never be good enough and no would ever want him– not when he is someone like this.

Shigeru should be happy. At least Issei’s life had worked out.

He got the guy and the career he’s always wanted. He has the love of everyone he needs. He is happy, genuinely happy, and Shigeru can’t help but wonder if Shigeru ever would’ve been able to make him as happy as he is.

He shakes the thought off.

Here he stands, at the alter, about to marry a woman he didn’t know to secure a merger for a company he didn’t want, all for reasons he didn’t want.

“Do you, Yahaba Shigeru, take Sena Misaki to be your lawfully wedded wife, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?”

Shigeru takes a deep breath.

His eyes wander over to Matsukawa Issei, to his hands clasped around Hanamaki Takahiro’s.

His heart hurts.

He looks away.

“I do.”


End file.
